The Failure
by dreamlandgirl
Summary: It's all in the title.


Story based on characters created by and copyright to GAINAX. I don't owe Neon Genesis Evangelion, I never will. If asked, I'll delete everything. I'm not making money by my writing. ***  
  
  
  
Chapter one: Failure.  
  
Shinji was walking, his head down, and slumped between his shoulders.  
  
His thoughts were dark, even if the day was beautiful: the shining sun didn't do any good to dissipate the cloud of grief in his heart, the gentle chirping birds were wasting theirs effort on deaf ears, their song of happiness facing a hearth filled of sorrow and anguish. He looked a moment to the deep color of the sky, an azure so pure, so wonderful... so huge. Why it wasn't the color of the steel? Why it wasn't raining? Why the nature seemed to say that everything was ok, when it was false? Why the day was so beautiful, why things seemed so wonderful?  
  
No one cared about his torment, his agony. His personal drama was nothing against the problems of the world.  
  
Why should someone care for a loser?  
  
Nothing was left for him, except his failure...  
  
He was aware that he had failed: there was no way he could have done something like that right, it was too difficult for him: if Asuka wasn't able to do it, if Ayanami wasn't either able, what chances could he have had, alone?  
  
He had told them that he couldn't do that.  
  
They had said that nobody else could, except him.  
  
Why Misato had encouraged him, knowing well that he didn't had the capacity to do _that_ ?  
  
Why everybody seemed so sure he could do it, why everyone kept saying that everything depended on his willpower? Why ever Kaji-san told him that he could do the difference? How was possible that he could do something that Kaji himself admitted he couldn't do? Kaji, who was always so self-confident...  
  
And now, being aware of his failure, knowing that he had disappointed everyone who mattered to him, he was walking to his destiny: he had still to face his father.  
  
Step after step, the moment when they would look at each other was coming.  
  
There was no way to avoid it, or to delay it, even if he simply wanted to disappear, to hide forever, to run away from the hard reality... just going away, not caring about what they would think of him, far away from responsibilities...  
  
But it was something he couldn't do: no way to escape from his father, from the cold look that, he was sure, was ready to welcome him after he had stepped inside...  
  
Or maybe his father would simply ignore him, leaving him squirm in front of him, before speaking his condemn, his blame for his own son.  
  
Why should Shinji care of what his father would think of him? He had done his better... so Shinji should as well keep his heart in peace, not bothering about his failure, because it wasn't his fault.  
  
But it was something he couldn't to: even without facing his father, his failure would curse him... he had failed once again.  
  
The most painful thing was the faith they had on him: even Asuka said he could do it, said that she was sure he would be able to win... Asuka, who was enough gentle to encourage him after her failure... to forget the fact that she was beaten to cheer him up.  
  
And Ayanami, who wished him 'good luck' with a smile... a smile so beautiful that was still impressed in his memory: he had only seen twice her smile, and he was proud to say that he was among the few ones she considered friends. He was sure of how was difficult to her to convey out her emotions, but she did it...  
  
And Misato-san, who planned everything with him, Misato-san who told him _exactly_ what to do... but, he wasn't able to remember what she had said to him when he was caught in his battle... he acted on instinct, and he failed, disappointing her, who had become a friend, even if she had no necessity to become friend with a pathetic loser like him...  
  
And Ritsuko-san, who was so gentle to prepare everything for him...  
  
And his friend, Touji and Kensuke: they would be surely disappointed by him, after they had placed their trust upon him...  
  
And his mother...  
  
'Maybe... she doesn't know... not yet' he thought bitterly.  
  
But why everyone seemed so trustful in him? What he did to deserve their faith?  
  
He had disappointed them more than once, and they still didn't stopped to trust him. Why did they keep remembering all the times he was victorious? He was aware that it was sheer luck, or the help of both Asuka and Ayanami ... he did nothing alone. Why didn't they want to understand that he was still a child?  
  
And now, they would avoid him... it would be a curse: after his failure, nobody would have time to talk with him, everyone would avoided him more time possible... even Ayanami would avoid him, even Asuka. They would be surely utterly disappointed by him, and leave him behind, alone.  
  
His mind lost in his thought, Shinji was surprised when he found himself in front of _the_ door, the hand on the knob.  
  
On the other side of that door, his father was surely awaiting his entrance.  
  
'Maybe... he doesn't know... no, that's impossible.'  
  
His father knew everything, always.  
  
'I wish mother was here' and that was simple wishful thinking: he was aware that there wasn't any possibility of his mother being here... besides, if she were present, he would disappoint even her.  
  
He had no choice than opening the door, and peeking inside, hoping against all the odds that his father wouldn't be present. He hadn't such luck.  
  
"Son" the voice was sold, dripping so much ice that seemed that the temperature decreased ten grades after that single word.  
  
"Father" Shinji answered, his eyes caught by his father's like a mouse is caught by the spell of the snake.  
  
His father was sitting at the table, his hands folded under his nose, his elbows lent on the table. Shinji couldn't see his father eyes, hidden by his glasses, which showed a creepy reflex on their colored lenses. Shinji hated to see his father in that position, and hated more the shadows over his glasses. He wasn't able to figure out if his father studied a way to do that, or it was simply something natural for him.  
  
'Put him in a dark, huge office with dark gray steel walls, only the desk where he's sitting as furniture, a strange, reddish illumination that comes from a mysteriously design on the ceiling, and give him a dark dress with white gloves... maybe with principal Fuyutsuki standing still at his right... he would look like a mad man, the chief of a mysteriously organization that planes to destroy mankind...' Shinji thought for the millionth time, seeing his father in that position.  
  
Being his father not in a dark and huge office, but in the kitchen, and dressed in a normal fashion rather than a dark dress did something to make Shinji more comfortable, not to mention the fact that principal Fuyutsuki wasn't present.  
  
A folder was opened in front of his father, and few sheet of paper were inside...  
  
"Son, what do you have to say?"  
  
Shinji swallowed hard, looking down.  
  
"Did you really think that you could keep something like this hidden from me?" he asked again.  
  
Shinji simple shook his head, praying that his father would be fast... but his father seemed to enjoy keeping him squirming in front of him.  
  
"So, you don't have anything to tell. I expected something like that." the voice, if possible, was colder than before. "The papers speak for you..."  
  
Another drop of temperature.  
  
Shinji was starting to consider if his father had done something to the conditioned air.  
  
Gendo was looking at his son through his glasses. He could tell that he was nervous... and that he had no idea of what he was talking about... typical of his son: sticking with the worst hypothesis, without thinking about what positives things he could have done...  
  
'Yui was too soft with him. Now he has to learn that world is hard... after all, that's what fathers are for ' Gendo reflected.  
  
Shinji looked horrified while a ghost of a smirk started to appear, raising the corners of his father's mouth. He knew that kind of smirk, which appeared every time Gendo was going to give some cruel punishment to his son... like when he decided that he and Shinji wasn't passing enough time together.  
  
He had took a vacancy, then he had passed it with Shinji ... it was a nightmare... his father was always with him, trying to sound young and joking with his friends, and worse, making him blush with his comments on Ayanami and Asuka.  
  
And now, the sentence was being said.  
  
'I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away, I mustn't run away...' Shinji repeated in his mind, a layer of sweat on his forehead, his left hand clutching at his sides, his right one grabbing his schoolbag in a vice like grip.  
  
"You disappointed me"  
  
The temperature in the room reached the absolute zero, and the gas started to solidify, while Gendo seemed to grow, a giant in whose shadow Shinji was imprisoned....  
  
"Shinji ! Shinji, are you listening?"  
  
Shinji blinked, exiting from his daydream... but his father was still in front of him.  
  
It wasn't completely a dream, like Shinji hoped for a brief moment.  
  
***  
  
Finished.  
  
This is also a preliminary draft, so I'll rewrite it anyway.  
  
Had this teased you a bit?  
  
Are you curious to know what will happen and what Shinji did, my dear reader? 


End file.
